Not Her
by DreamLogic
Summary: Still without her memories Belle is released from the hospital. She struggles to adjust and to understand why Ruby, who she has been told used to be her friend, won't talk to her, even if she doesn't remember her or what they meant to each other. written pre 2x13
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: First time ever writing anything for any fandom, so constructive criticism is appreciated. Written pre 2x13 seems I just had to get this out of my system.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing here, I'm just playing with it.**

**Not Her**

Ever since the shooting there had been a multitude if people trying to tell her who she is, or at least who she used to be.

They tell her that her name's Isabelle but that she despises it, so makes everyone she knows call her Belle. They tell her that she's in love with that man. The one who visited her. The one who scared her. They say his name is Mr Gold. The way that they all speak to her about it they make it sound like some sort of tragic love story, but she isn't sure that she believes them. Surely, if she was as in love with this man as they say she was, she would feel something for him, even if it was purely a slight sense of familiarity. But she doesn't. The only thing she feels towards him is pity, because it is plain to see that he is searching for something in her that is well and truly lost.

She tries to feel happy that there are all these people who seem to care about her. There are all of these people that seem to love her, but she just can't seem to feel anything towards these virtual strangers. Because despite their assumed connection to the old her, despite all their supposed knowledge of her habits and her life, she has absolutely no control over how she feels or what she can remember, and sometimes their expectations of who she should be are too much pressure to take.

No matter how hard she tries she simply doesn't feel like she is this Belle that they tell her she is. She doesn't recall an immense love of books. She doesn't feel especially mild mannered or sweet or kind hearted or any of the synonyms for 'a good person' that these strangers repeatedly tell her she is. If anything she feels like this version of her, whoever she turns out to be, is prone to over dramatic fits of temper or panic, not at all like the level-headed librarian that they described her as.

It makes her wonder if any of them ever truly knew her at all. It makes her wonder if the person they describe to her ever really existed, or if it was a mask that this Belle had hidden behind. It makes her wonder how disappointed they'll be when they realise that their friend, if she ever really existed, is now well and truly gone. That _their_ _Belle _is no longer there.

She hopes that they won't hold the loss of their friend against her.

* * *

Upon her release from the hospital she goes to live in the apartment intended for the librarian above the library. She's been told that this is where she lived before her accident. It seems to her a nice enough place to live and, although, she supposedly lived there before, it comes as no surprise to her that she holds no memories, good or bad, of the place. She hadn't expected this to be a magical exception to her lack of memory. At this point she's resigned herself to starting over from scratch in every respect and at this point she just wants to get on with it.

Over the next few weeks, after resuming her former self's post as Sorybrooke's librarian, a task she took on in the vain hope of keeping her mind occupied with something other than her lack of memories, she is surprised to discover that not all of what her acquaintances have told her about herself is false. She does really love books, and can spend hours getting lost in the new worlds she finds within the pages. This gives her hope that maybe the person she used to be is not completely lost. That maybe the person that the people she meets know and love is not completely lost. Although, despite what she hopes, she's not delusional enough that _their _Belle will ever truly return. Even if she does get her memory back she's a different person now. The damage is done and there are no magical fixes. She hopes that her seeming more like her 'old self' doesn't get their hopes up, only to have them dashed when they realise she's not suddenly privy to what has passed between them in the past; that they're not disappointed when she simply doesn't just suddenly know them again.

In an attempt to try and emphasise the difference between the person she was and the person that she now is she tells her new friends and acquaintances to call her Isabelle. She hopes that this will help them accept and remember that she is not the same person they knew. She just doesn't want to hurt anyone any more than she already has.

For the most part, however, this attempt to split from the old Belle, to split form _their_ Belle is a complete failure. She is disappointed by the fact that they can't separate the new her from the old, she is not, however, surprised. She supposes it must be hard to completely separate their old friend from the almost-stranger wearing her face. She cannot imagine how strange it must be for all the people who knew her to have to get to know her all over again.

In fact everyone she meets has trouble in keeping with her new choice of name. Everyone except one. Ruby, the curious young woman who works in the diner is the only one in the entire town who remembers to call her Isabelle now. She wonders why that is, why this one girl succeeds where everyone else fails.

At first she supposed that she and the waitress simply must not have been friends or really known each other at all before her injury, so she reasons that calling her by a new name must not have been much of an adjustment to the young woman. But then she sometimes sees Ruby looking at her from across the room, her striking green eyes full to the brim with pain and something akin to _longing_ or, on the rare occasions that they speak she'll see the friendly yet detached expression that so often takes residence on the waitress' face falter, for just a second, to one of absolute sadness, and she knows somehow that that just can't be the case. The feelings that she gets from the scarce moments of interaction make her wonder what exactly she meant to this beautiful, but so obviously broken girl.

Her suspicions that she and Ruby knew each other are confirmed one morning as she's being served in the diner by Ruby's Grandmother. She learns that she used to live in Granny's Inn with her and Ruby. She learns that she and Ruby, the girl who has made no attempt to be her friend, or even talk to her outside of her duties as a waitress, were close friends. Best friends according to Granny.

Isabelle doesn't quite know what to do with this information. She's surprised to say the least. Sure she'd suspected that they'd known each other to some degree, but not that they'd meant anything particularly special to each other. Nobody had mentioned this to her before and Ruby, in all the time that she had been out of the hospital, had given no indication that they were anything other than casual acquaintances.

She can't understand why, if they were such good friends, Ruby hadn't reached out to her? Why didn't she try like all the others? Why, if their friendship was as important to her as Granny said it was, wasn't she first in line to see her in the hospital? Why doesn't she want to be her friend anymore?

More so than all of this, she can't understand why Ruby's rejection hurts so much.

It shouldn't hurt. She knows this. It's completely irrational, the amount of pain that she's feeling from the loss of a friend that she didn't even know she ever possessed, but that doesn't stop it from hurting all the same. Now that she knows that she's missing something that was important to her, even though she had no idea about it only hours earlier, it hurts _so_ much and she doesn't know how to make it stop. She just wants it to stop.

She thinks maybe, if she could understand why Ruby doesn't want to talk to this version of her, that maybe the pain would go away. Maybe she could stop torturing herself over this. But other than to take her order and general pleasantries, Ruby won't talk to her, she even looks at her unless she has to. Why won't Ruby talk to her? She just needs to understand!

* * *

Over the following weeks the questions continue to plague her, driving her to the point of distraction. No matter how hard she tries, however, she just can't seem to find the answers and she doesn't know who to ask for help. She doesn't know who could possibly help her find the answers she needs.

After giving up on sleep once again, rather than lying awake alone in the dark, she decides to take a walk in the hope that it will make her brain calm down. She doesn't know why this suddenly seems like a good idea, but she hopes that this is what she needs right now.

She's walking near the docks when she sees her. Ruby. She wonders why the girl that has occupied her every waking thought for weeks is out sitting in the street in the middle of the night. She supposes it's just one more question for her to answer about the mysterious girl. One more question that she doubts she'll ever find the answer to.

She doesn't think that she's been seen by the girl, so takes her time to observe the waitress as she realises it's the first time she's seen the girl outside of the diner. There's no denying that she is beautiful, but she can't help but note that she seems despondent, not just because of the forlorn expression on her face, but the way that she is slumped forwards, arms hugged around her middle, as if she is trying to hold herself together. Belle feels a pull on her heart as she watches her. She doesn't want her to be sad. It physically hurts her that the girl around whom basically her entire existence has seemed to revolve lately is in some sort of distress. She wants to reach out to her, she wants to help her, but she doesn't know what she can do. She doesn't know anything about her or how to help her.

She stands in the shadows, watching the young woman desperately trying to keep her emotions in check, but it is not until she sees tears start to fall silently from Ruby's eyes that she decides that she has to do something about this girl's pain. That she can't just stand there and watch as she falls apart.

'Are you alright?' she asks as she walks towards the waitress. She sees Ruby tense at the sound of her voice, but otherwise receives no acknowledgement that her question had been heard.

Unfazed by Ruby's lack of response she continues to talk as she sits down next to the girl. 'I mean you're clearly not okay, I can see that you're crying, but it's polite to ask, isn't it? That's what you're supposed to say when someone's sad. That's what you're supposed to say when you want to help.'

She knows that she's rambling at this point but she's nervous. This girl is her greatest mystery and has become a point of something like obsession to her as of late, and she just wants Ruby to say _something_, anything to her after _months_ of superficial niceties and no conversation.

Annoyed by Ruby's silence and seeming unwillingness to even acknowledge her presence, Belle feels months worth of pent up frustration, built up from nights of hopeless, fruitless, speculation about the girl and the state of their non-relationship and conspicuous lack of relationship of any kind, flow through her veins.

She feels it burning within her as it finally bursts forth from within her. 'My God!' she exclaims, 'why won't you just talk to me?!' she shouts at a visibly surprised Ruby, who continues to sit there in silence.

'I know we were friends once,' she says once she is calmed down enough to control her angry outburst. 'Granny told me that we were friend once. She told me that we were close, so why won't you talk to me?' she asked, practically begging the other girl to respond.

She sees Ruby turn to look at her, and for the first time that she can remember Ruby doesn't flinch and turn away when she looks back at her.

'I don't know what you want me to say,' she hears Ruby say, her volume barely above a whisper.

'Just tell me the truth,' Belle breathed in reply.

She watches as Ruby takes a steadying breath and turns her head away from her. In that moment she worries that he isn't going to get a reply. That is until Ruby begins to speak.

'I can't talk to you, because I don't know how to talk to you,' she hears Ruby begin. 'You say that you know that we were friends, and yes you may know that but you don't know what it was like, our friendship. I can't talk to you because you're not her. You're not her.' She hears Ruby's voice break as she says this, like she's realising once again that the girl she knew was gone.

'You're not the girl that I spent time with. You're not the girl I got to know. And…' she hears Ruby's voice break once again 'no matter how much you look like her, and sound like her… you're not the girl I fell in love with.' She hears Ruby whisper as she turns to look at her once again.

She stares intently at Ruby's face, wanting nothing more than to be able to make everything better for her, but knows that there is nothing that she can realistically do to take the pain away, because she knows that Ruby's right, no matter how much she is trying to be, she's not the girl that Ruby once knew, and she doesn't know how to change that.

Ruby reaches forwards and cups her cheek as she continues to speak, 'That's why I don't talk to you Isabelle,' Ruby said wiping an errant tear from her companions face, 'It hurts too much to be constantly reminded that she's gone and she's not coming back.'

With that Ruby stood and began to walk away as the girl with the face of the woman she loves watches her, drowning in borrowed pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: - I wasn't really going to but, I wrote another bit of this**

**It's basically the same events as the first part but from Ruby's POV**

**Again I'm new to the whole writing thing so constructive criticism is appreciated. Hope you enjoy.**

When she had first heard that Belle had been taken to the hospital the thought that it was a joke had momentarily passed through Ruby's head. Of course she then realised that, although, she realised that Snow knew of her feelings towards the Librarian and would never tell a joke that she knew would hurt her oldest best friend. So, with one look towards Snow, who had somehow become the bearer of bad news, the momentary disbelief wore off, replaced by an all-encompassing pain, even if it is slightly alleviated by the proclamation that Belle was going to be alright.

The relative peace that she found in this statement was, however, then again ripped from her as the implications of Snow's choice of words really hit her.

'What do you mean she's going to be okay _physically?_ What's wrong? Tell me!' she begged her friend.

Looking back Ruby wonders whether she would have been so anxious to know what had happened if she had known how fully the next words out of Snow's mouth would destroy her.

'Ruby, she crossed the town line…' is all that Snow needed to say, the ramifications of this hanging in the air between them.

Ruby didn't know how to process this information. She didn't want to be able to understand. She didn't want to be burdened with the knowledge that her friend, wouldn't know who she was if she went to see her. More than that, she didn't understand how the woman she _loved, _even if it was unrequited, had been ripped from her in such a cruel way.

It was at this understanding that Ruby felt her heart shatter as she mourned the loss of her love and the fantasies of a future that was now lost forever.

She wondered how can you miss something you've never had so ardently? How can you long for it if you don't really know what you're missing? The questions plagued her day and night. She didn't understand just how she could miss Belle _so_ much when, as much as it pained her to say it, she had never really had her in the first place. Sure they had been friends, maybe even best friends, but she knew in her heart of hearts that it had never really been enough for her. She knew that, even though it was emphatically never going to happen, the friendship between them had never been enough to truly be what she desired. To be what she needed. And now Belle didn't even know who she was.

It hurt more than she had ever thought possible.

Before the incident, she had thought that she had known what it meant to yearn for something. For years she had yearned to escape her life in Storybrooke, and before that to escape from the curse that plagued her each month. She had even longed for Belle to look upon her with something more than just a friendly smile. The longing that she had felt before paled in comparison to the hunger that now consumed her very soul. She would do anything to have Belle back, even if it was only as her friend. She'd take what she can get. But she knows that that isn't possible.

She knows that _her Belle_ is lost and she won't be coming back.

To try and avoid this harsh new reality and live in the world where Belle was still_ her Belle_ she didn't go to see her in the hospital. She wanted to put off the inevitable feeling of despair for as long as she could. Even if it went against everything both she and her wolf wanted.

Nothing had prepared her for the pain she had felt when she was forced to deal with the reality that Belle really didn't know who she was.

Shortly after her release from the hospital Belle had come into the diner. It had taken Ruby by surprise, seeing her like this, in a place that used to mean so much in terms of their friendship. It had been the place that they had met after all. She smiled as she remembered that day and the warmth of the memory enveloped her.

The warmth that had surrounded her slipped away as he walked towards Belle's table, the mask of the friendly waitress taking the place of the warmth of the memory, trying to hide the rising dread that she felt at the prospect of having to speak to this new Belle.

She had thought that she had known true heartbreak when Peter had died, that that was as bad as it was going to get. But _this, _nothing could have prepared her for how much this hurt. It felt like she had had her heart ripped from her chest, and she could hear her wolf howling in her head now that it knew that it had definitely lost its _mate_.

Not that Belle knew that she was causing her any pain. As far as she knew, before the accident they were nothing more than casual acquaintances. She didn't know that by introducing herself as Isabelle, the name that _her Belle_ had _hated_, Ruby had felt like a dagger in the waitress' heart. She didn't know that hearing her order coffee instead of iced tea had killed any lingering hope that Ruby had had the old Belle was still somewhere inside that body.

The waitress had known that the woman she was approaching wasn't the same one that she had once known, but it didn't stop her from being disappointed when she saw the veracity of the knowledge with her own eyes.

It didn't stop her heart from aching from her proximity to the girl and the knowledge that it really wasn't the same person anymore.

It didn't stop the wolf from howling either, wanting to be ever closer to what it needs to feel whole again.

After this first conversation with the new Belle, with Isabelle she reminded herself, she vowed to stay away from her for the foreseeable future. She knew not talking to the girl, to the girl with the body of her wolf's mate, will hurt her and her wolf. She knew that being to be able to see her around town as this whole new person would hurt her. But she also knew that constantly being reminded that this is not her Belle anymore will hurt her more.

Weeks later she still knows that she needs to stay away.

She needs to keep her distance for the sake of her heart.

This doesn't stop her from looking at her former friend though.

She finds herself watching the other girl when she sees her around town, or when she comes into the diner. She watches her, hoping to see some trace of the girl she once knew, and as time goes by she is somewhat rewarded.

She sees some of the old Belle shining through as Isabelle discovers a love of books.

Despite this however she refuses to get her hopes up.

She knows that if she does she'll only be disappointed, for she's reminded every time the girl orders coffee from her that it is definitely not the same girl.

Still she watches and yearns for the past, wanting this Belle to be her Belle so desperately, keeping her emotions to herself. And at night she'll walk around the town, or during the Wolfstime, run through the woods, trying to somehow forget or escape her sorrow and the still all-consuming yearning of her heart, never quite succeeding in either endeavour.

As the months progress, she sometimes catches Isabelle looking at her, staring at her, a look of confusion adorning her beautiful features, like Ruby is a puzzle that she's trying to figure out.

She wonders why the librarian has suddenly started paying attention to her now. The girl had seemed perfectly content with their normal waitress/customer dynamic. She wonders what has prompted this change.

In her heart she hopes that it's maybe because Belle is starting to remember. Although, she knows that that is not really a possibility, it wasn't like she was a normal amnesia patient, Belle's memories had been magically removed and there's no way for her to undo it.

Although she knows that there is no possibility that Belle's memories are beginning to return that doesn't mean she doesn't dream about it. It doesn't mean that she isn't bombarded with scenes where Belle simply _remembering_ every single night. It doesn't mean that she doesn't wake up every bit as heartbroken as she was when she first heard the news when the dream is torn away from her.

She doesn't dream of the perfect world she used to before the accident, the one where Belle magically loves her back. All she dreams of is the world that she had before, the one where she didn't have a constant ache in her chest or a perpetually broken heart. Belle may be the one person she loves most in the entire world, but more than anything she just wants her friend back.

Sometimes Isabelle tries to talk to her. It takes everything Ruby has to stay away when the girl reaches out to her, but she knows she's doing the right thing. Even when the girl looks crestfallen at her perceived rejection and her heart is screaming at her just to talk to the girl, she knows that she's doing the right thing by staying away. She has to protect her heart from further pain.

She knows the librarian is confused by their interactions, Ruby can read the confusion clearly on her face. It's almost like she knows that something isn't right with the way Ruby talks to her but she's missing the pieces of the puzzle that would enable her to see the picture clearly. It kills her to not be able to explain, but she knows that then there would be more questions that she would have to answer that would completely open the floodgates on her barely contained emotions. No she knows that this way is for the best for both of them. She doesn't think she could handle it if she answered Isabelle's questions, if she finally told the truth about their former relationship and was rejected, even just as a friend. She had to avoid it at all costs.

She keeps telling herself it's for the best, even if she never fully convinces herself that that is really the truth.

She keeps all of the hurt bottled inside. She doesn't want anyone to see just how much the last few months have affected her. She doesn't want any of them to know how much it hurts. The only person who even knew how she felt about Belle was Snow and she couldn't burden her with all of her problems, even if Snow had told her she could talk to her if she needed to. She doesn't talk though, because she's still trying to deny, even to herself, how much pain she's really in.

She manages to keep herself together relatively well until one night, on one of her nightly walks it all comes spilling out.

She's sitting by the docks when it happens. The reality of the situation finally hits her at full force and she finally falls prey to the full weight of her emotions.

She hears someone approaching from down the street but makes no effort to move. She assumes that they'll simply pass her by, and isn't paying enough attention to realise that they have stooped to watch her.

She doesn't realise that she still has company until she hears a voice that she'd recognise anywhere ask her if she's alright.

_Belle's there. Belle's worried about her_. Her heart tells her and lifts at the idea until she remembers that this is Isabelle. Once again she has to remind herself that it's not_ her Belle_.

She hears Belle ask her a question but she's not sure how to respond, but then the librarian asks her to tell her the _truth_ and she is powerless to resist.

She doesn't realise that she's responded to the question until she hears herself professing her love for her lost friend and crying for her loss. All through her admission she doesn't look at the girl sitting next to her whilst she is talking. She doesn't want to see how the girl behind the face that she loves has responded.

When she finally does she wishes that she hadn't. As upon the face that she cherished along with the echoed pain, she sees something akin to pity, and that kills her.

She never wanted to see that particular emotion directed towards her on _that _face. Her Belle had never once, throughout all that they had faced, pitied her.

It once again serves as a reminder that her Belle has gone.

She takes one last look at the stranger with face of the girl she loves and then gets up and walks away.

She doesn't look back.

It would hurt too much. More than she's already hurting.

She cries herself to sleep that night, all the while telling herself that she needs to get it all off of her chest tonight.

Tomorrow's the first day of the rest of her life and she's going to put this all behind her. She's going to finally start to let go, move on and get on with her life.

Even though she knows she's lying to herself, she tells herself that tomorrow will be better.

It has to be, doesn't it?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here's a third chapter. Sorry if it's all over the place but it's 3 a.m. so my proof reading skills are probably not all that great.**

**This still pretty much ignores canon after 2x12 **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing that can be recognised **

**Belle POV (ish)**

* * *

She wasn't sure how she was supposed to act.

This woman that she barely knows was in love with who she apparently used to be, and she didn't know what she was supposed to do.

She took to avoiding the diner. She didn't want to make it more difficult for Ruby than it obviously already was. She didn't want to hurt her any more than she already had just by not being able to remember anything. She didn't want to hurt her any more than she already had by just not being the same person she used to be.

She didn't know what to do.

Just because she stopped visiting the diner when she knew Ruby was going to be there didn't mean that she stopped thinking about the waitress. On the contrary, thoughts of the waitress began to consume her.

She wonders why Ruby loved her so much. She wonders what sort of things they did together, if they spent a lot of their time together. She wonders whether the old her knew that Ruby was in love with her. She wonders whether the old her loved Ruby back.

She can certainly see how anyone could easily fall in love with Ruby, from what she has seen of the girl, she's not only beautiful, but kind and friendly with the most breath-taking smile that she had ever seen. She reluctantly admits that that may not mean much considering her lack of memories, but that doesn't matter to her. Ruby just has something about, a sort of gravitational force that draws people to her and she finds it hard to ignore the pull.

The more Belle thinks about Ruby, the more she wants to know her, but she knows that any possibility of her _really_ knowing the object of her fascination was lost with her memories because on the rare occasions that they see each other, now that she has stopped going into the diner and all interaction between them has ceased completely, Ruby will not even look at her.

Every time she sees her, her heart aches, not just for the girl who has lost the one she loves but for herself and the unexplainable feeling of loss she feels every time she sees the waitress see her and turn away.

She doesn't know why she feels this way. She wishes she understood why it hurt her so much.

She supposes she understands the reasons behind the girl's behaviour. She wonders, with what she now knows of the waitress' feelings, if Ruby could really act any differently around her. She would behave any differently if the situation were reversed. She comes to the conclusion that she would probably act in exactly the same way.

It doesn't stop it from hurting.

* * *

She decides to throw herself into her work. She spends every waking hour buried in her work at the library. Cataloguing the books at the library keeps her mind busy enough that, during the day at least, she no longer finds herself obsessing over the brunette waitress every single available moment.

Life goes on in the same way for weeks. People don't tend to bother trying to speak to her anymore and the library is still not officially open, so she is not often disturbed.

'Hello? Is anybody there?' she heard someone call through the stacks one day not too long after she had begun her self-imposed exile.

'I'll be just a minute,' she called back as she turned towards the source if the noise.

Upon her emergence from the stacks she found a blonde woman she identified as the sheriff standing next to the circulation desk. She seemed uncomfortable to Belle, but the librarian couldn't really understand why. Was it really that awful to have to talk to her?

'Hi,' she said, calling the blonde's attention to her. 'Can I help you?'

The two women stood together in an awkward silence, each considering how to approach this unprecedented situation.

'I'm sorry for barging in like this but no one's seen you around town for a while and weren't sure if you were alright because we haven't seen you and er… people were getting worried about you so I thought that as the Sheriff I should just… I don't really know… check up on you I guess. So that people can stop worrying, because I don't want them to worry, you know?' The blonde woman said, her voice soft, as if she were unsure that her obvious concern regarding the whole situation was warranted or appreciated.

Belle stared at the Sheriff, wondering if the Sheriff came to check on her of her own volition, or if someone had sent her. And if she had come at someone's behest, who was it that was so concerned about her well-being as to send someone to check up on her?

As time passed with the two women standing in silence, Belle sees the blonde become visibly disheartened by her lack of response.

'Well…' the blonde continues, 'I see that you're fine so now I can go and tell R…People, that you're okay and that there's no need to worry. Sorry to bother you. I'll just go…'

'Wait.' Belle called out as Emma turned to leave. 'You don't have to leave.' She told the Sheriff. Even if the woman hadn't come of her own volition, it was nice to have someone to talk to. She had been so busy isolating herself from the community for Ruby's sake that it had been weeks since she had actually had a conversation with anybody. Right now she would take what she could get, and the Sheriff was the first person to go out of their way to speak to her for weeks.

It was with this realisation, that she really had no one, that belle made her decision.

'It'd be nice to have some company.' She told the blonde.

* * *

Following the Sheriff's visit Belle made the conscious decision to try to make more of an effort around the town. She decides that she an effort to get to know people and makes friends, because as much as she tries to deny it, she's lonely.

Emma promises to come back to visit soon, but she understands that the woman's loyalties are split. Ruby was her friend first, and she doesn't really expect the Sheriff to suddenly start spending time with a person that, of her own admission, she had never really spent time with before.

So she is surprised when the blonde woman comes into the library two days later, hand full of take- away food bags, with nothing more than the accompanying statement of 'I told you I'd come.'

The two fall into a comfortable routine. Every other day, the blonde comes bringing lunch, or sometimes dinner, for the two of them. Sometimes Emma brings her son, Henry.

It's nice, Belle decides, having people to talk to.

It's nice having friends.

However, this new distraction doesn't stop her from thinking about Ruby. She still finds herself worrying about the waitress, wondering how she is and what she is doing. She wonders if Ruby thinks about her sometimes. Not just about the old her, but _this_ her. She wonders why even the very thought of Ruby thinking about her make her feel warm inside. She wonders if it's normal to think about and feel so much for someone she barely knows. Will never know.

She tells herself that it's for the best. That it's what the waitress needs in order to move on with her life.

But if it's for the best, why doesn't it feel like the right thing to do?

Why does it feel as if staying away from the brunette is the exact opposite of what she should be doing?

Why does it feel like she should be with Ruby?

* * *

'We should do something,' Emma said to the librarian during one of her visits a few weeks after the first trip to the library. 'We should go out and do something.' The blonde continued 'I never see you around town, so we should do something, you know, outside of the library.'

She didn't know what to make of the idea. During her period of self-imposed isolation from the outside world, Belle had become rather settled and content with her new routine. She was, therefore, wary of upsetting the balance of her new life. And, she reminded herself, that she hadn't isolated herself for solely her own good.

Although, she tried to tell herself that her isolation was for the best, she couldn't help but feel that she deserved a break. That she deserved friends, and a chance at a social life. She decided that she couldn't keep her guilt over Ruby's feelings for the old inhabitant of her body from keeping her living her life.

Ruby had to move on eventually, right?

It was with this thought that she found herself agreeing to going for a few drinks with the Sheriff in the upcoming weekend, because really, what's the worst that could happen?

**A/N 2: Sorry it's shorter than the others and took so long, but I'm busy with University assignments at the moment. I'll try to continue soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: - Sorry this took so long but uni work keeps rearing its ugly head and taking up all my time**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Once Upon A Time, I just like to play.**

* * *

She was having a hard time letting go.

She knew that, eventually, she would have to pick herself up and get on with her life, but she just couldn't.

The new Belle had stopped coming into the diner. She thanked God for small mercies.

It had been hard enough seeing her every day when, for all the girl knew, she was nothing more than a passing acquaintance. Practically a stranger. But now she had exposed her deepest darkest secrets to the stranger behind her Belle's face, and she didn't want to have to deal with the consequences of her actions just yet.

When she had first heard about the shooting, when she first heard that Belle's memories had been lost, even though both she and her wolf were inconsolable, she had thought that it would eventually get easier. That the pain that she felt would eventually lessen. But it had been months since the accident and so far, she was struggling.

'I can't do it any more Emma!' The waitress said to her blonde friend, the Sheriff having found the brunette in tears in the diner's kitchen that afternoon.

'Do what sweetie?' Emma replied in an uncharacteristically soft voice, uncertain as to how to proceed. 'I'm going to need more than that if I'm going to help.'

'I just can't do anything anymore Emma!' Ruby exclaimed. 'I try, I really do but it's just so hard and I can't try anymore. It's not worth it. It's not getting any better.'

'What isn't?'

'Belle…'

It didn't take the blonde too much longer to figure out what her friend's problem was. Ruby hadn't really seemed to recover completely from the loss of her friend, but she had no idea that it was still affecting the waitress that badly. She figured that she should probably try to comfort her friend in some way, even if it wasn't her strong suit.

Ruby didn't know what to do. She had thought that seeing her former friend everyday had been hard, but not seeing her at all was torture. Her wolf howled in her head, needing to know that the girl that it had identified as its mate was okay. She was barely keeping herself together anymore.

'I don't even know if she's okay, you know. I used still at least see her every day, even if she didn't know that we were friends. I knew that she was okay, but now I don't even see her, and I need to know that she's okay. You know?'

Ruby could see that Emma wasn't comfortable, but right now she didn't care. She needed her friend to listen to her and to help her. She needed her friend.

Really she needs Belle.

But she doesn't _have_ Belle right now.

She has Emma. So she's making do.

Even if it can never really be enough. It has to be enough.

She needs it to be enough. She needs it to get better. Because right now she is drowning. And her wolf hates her. It needs its mate, and it can't have it. So right now her wolf hates her. And she hates herself because she doesn't know how to make it better. She is drowning, struggling against the weight of dual emotions. So Emma has to be enough right now.

And Emma does help. Because she offers to keep an eye on her for Ruby, and even if it isn't her looking after Belle, it helps to know that there will at least be _someone _looking after her. And right now knowing that there will be someone there for Belle is a load off her mind.

It's one less weight pulling her down.

Even if her wolf hates her, even if she hates _herself_, there is someone looking out for Belle, _her Belle_, and it helps.

Emma starts to spend time with Belle. Ruby knows this and although she's happy that Belle has someone now, that Belle has a friend, Ruby is jealous. Her wolf is jealous. They're jealous because someone gets to spend time with Belle. Someone who is not her.

So Ruby is jealous. Because every second that she is not with Belle kills her inside. She'd give anything to be able to spend time with her. But she knows that staying away is for her own good. So she doesn't do anything about the nagging feeling in her chest that tells her that she should go to her.

She stays away.

But that doesn't mean that she's any less jealous of Emma.

At the same time, Emma is her lifeline. She lives for the stories of their time together, knowing that Belle is happy, even if her wolf cries that . But she's still jealous.

She sometimes sees them out together having a good time, and it kills her that it is Emma putting the smile on Belle's face, even if she was the one who asked Emma to do it in the first place. It should be her. She _needs _it to be her.

But it can't be her. Because that would hurt even more.

So she tries to be happy that Belle's happy. Emma tells her that Belle is happier than she was and she can see that she getting better, and that makes it better, but she can tell that there's something that Emma's not telling her.

She isn't stupid. She knows that Emma isn't telling her the whole truth. She can see it every time that they talk about her friend's time with the librarian.

She can tell that maybe, just maybe, her Belle isn't as happy as Emma tells her she is. And this kills her inside. Her chest aches at the thought that Belle is anything less than happy. And what's more, she can't quite shake the felling that it's her fault. That the woman that she still loves with all her heart, with all that she is, is not happy. And despite everything, despite the fact that Belle is not the same person she was, she cannot bear the thought that she is anything less than happy.

So she asks Emma to try harder to help Belle. To try and make Belle happy. Because she can't and she needs Belle to be happy before she can be happy.

She needs Belle to be happy _so _she can be happy. Or at least happier. Because in her heart of hearts she knows that without Belle, without her _mate_, she can never be truly happy.

Unfortunately for her Emma's increased attempts to make Belle happier put the librarian in her path more often than she was used to. She had just got used to not seeing the new Belle every day, then seeing her sometimes and now suddenly she was there again, and she didn't know what to do.

She figures that with prolonged, if distanced, exposure to the idea of librarian around town and visible again that eventually the pain will diminish. She hopes that it will go away. Even though she knows that it will never go away completely.

So she carries on with her life and hopes that, with time, it will get better.

She decides she needs to be proactive. She decides that in order to move on properly with her life, even though she know that ever fully moving on is impossible, is to put herself out there again. Because it's never going to get better if she doesn't try, so she's going to try. She has to try.

Besides, she figures that things can't really get any worse. She's living vicariously through her friend's stories of something that she can never experience again. She's not actually living, she knows this and this makes her feel pathetic. She knows that she needs to do something, anything, to feel alive again. And she reckons she can't really feel worse than she does at the moment, no matter what she does, so she's going to try. She's going to try to get better. Because she can see that Granny and Snow and Emma, even Henry, are worried about her, and she doesn't want to worry them anymore. She doesn't want her _family _to worry about her anymore. She wants to be better so that the people that love her don't have to hurt for her anymore.

She doesn't want the people she loves to feel the way that she is doomed to.

So she's going to try.

And no matter what happens, she figures that it can't get any worse than it already is.

* * *

**A/N2:- Sorry about the length, hopefully the next one will be a bit longer and written more quickly than this one, so fingers crossed.**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I know it's been ages but my computer was broken so what you gonna do? Just a short chapter that will hopefully set up the upcoming chapters when I get around to writing them. Hope you enjoy it.**

She's going out with Emma tonight.

She isn't quite sure why she agreed to, other than she feels like she has to make more of an effort with this 'friends' thing that she's trying. She's well aware that up to this point Emma is the one who has put in all effort to establish and maintain a friendship. And she knows that if she wants it to carry on she's going to have to start meeting Emma halfway. Even if she isn't completely sure how to do that. But she knows that it'll be worth it. Eventually at least.

She spends too much time by herself as it is and she likes having a friend. She likes having someone to talk to, even if she can't talk to her about what's really on her mind. Even if she feels like she still has to hold back. But she's going to try. And yet, even though she's trying she can't help but have reservations about the whole thing. Something about the idea of going out tonight sets her on edge.

She supposes it's the prospect of the unfamiliar situation that has her feeling this way, she doesn't really have any other reason why she could possibly feel this way, the unfamiliar mixture of worry and excitement that sits low in her stomach. She just does.

She is restless for the entire day, unable to focus on any task for too long on the long list of things that she had hoped to accomplish that day. Her mind keeps going over possible scenarios that could play out in the up -coming hours but she can't come to any sort of conclusion when she doesn't even know all of the variables. She doesn't even know where they're going.

God she doesn't even know if anyone else is going to be there. She should have asked more questions, she knows this but she was just so excited that anyone would willingly want to spend time with her that she just didn't think about anything. And even though she realistically knows that her isolation from the rest of the town was her own choice, it doesn't make the prospect of facing them now any easier.

Maybe she should just stay at home. But she can't and won't because she promised her friend. So far her _only_ friend and she doesn't want to disappoint her.

She shuts the library early too distracted to even attempt to focus any longer. She's still at her wits end of course but no longer had to worry about anyone else walking in on her talking to herself about her feelings. Not that there was much danger of that in the first place she muses. Emma and Henry are the only ones who really come into the library at all and she doubts that the closed sign would have stopped either of them from coming in anyway. She's pretty sure that Emma has a key, although, she's not entirely sure how she acquired it but it would explain her ability to enter after she's sure that she has locked the doors for the day. Either that or the library is _really_ easy to break into and that thought doesn't exactly fill her with warmth.

She takes her time getting ready. The act of preparing herself for the night ahead, even if only physically helps to calm her nerves somewhat, and despite her unease about the whole situation, she can't help but feel like tonight will be important. The knot in her stomach tells her that something is going to happen tonight, something big. And she doesn't know if she should be scared of its coming.

As it gets closer and closer to the time she has to meet Emma the feelings of nervous worry and excitement begin to envelop her to the point where she knows that whatever happens she has to face her fate in the form of whatever is coming for her. And so, despite her misgivings about the whole thing, she meets Emma at eight, just like she said she would. She doesn't really pay any attention to where it is that Emma is taking her as with every step she takes the strength of her doubts increase along with the size of the knot in her stomach to the point where she again seriously considers calling the whole thing off. But she doesn't. Because at this point, she knows that she can't.

**AN2: I'll try not to leave it so long next time, if I can help it but sometimes life gets in the way.**


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